“You don’t look sick”: The Gaslighting of Invisible Disabilities
Emily West / Oct 24 / Identity & Self
October 18th – 24th marks the celebration ‘Invisible Disability Awareness Week 2020’.
Invisible disabilities (ID) are classed as disabilities that are not immediately apparent, yet they have a huge effect on the sufferers’ lives and wellbeing. This could include mental health issues, chronic illnesses and chronic pain.
Raising awareness for IDs is important to help others understand that people can be going through a lot internally without seeming like anything is wrong externally. Over the years, understanding of ID has increased considerably; for example, with announcements on Nottingham buses informing passengers that ‘not all disabilities are visible’ in relation to those who are not able to wear facemasks. Whilst this is a step in the right direction, more still needs to be done to increase awareness.
As someone who has grown up with a chronic illness since age 9, I am no stranger to the emotional toll that living with an ID can have. When your illness is invisible, you can feel as though you are lying about your pain, which has a considerable impact on your social life, professional life and self-esteem. Sufferers of ID are understandably much more prone to mental health issues, several of which can fall under the broader umbrella of “invisible disabilities”.
A notable example is Imposter Syndrome, a debilitating form of anxiety that can impact every area of your life. In the workplace, you can start to feel like you are unworthy of pay rises and promotions, and have an overwhelming sense of guilt about needing time off for more sick days. Sometimes when I need to cancel social events due to being unwell, I begin to feel guilty and scared that my friends think I am just lazy, or exaggerating my illness to get out of seeing them. In relationships, you can feel like a fraud and like your partner deserves someone who is healthy and can match their physical and emotional resilience. This is all untrue, of course. However, in the minds of many people who suffer with ID, these anxieties and pressures are very real.
While there are some who are able to discuss their disabilities openly, it can be incredibly difficult for others who suffer in silence. I have listed below some of the common causes of Imposter Syndrome and anxiety in people, so you can better understand the condition and learn how to adjust what you say to people with invisible illnesses in order to support them better.
Gaslighting
One of the first major causes of Imposter Syndrome that can contribute to anxiety in those with IDs is gaslighting. Partners, friends, family members, strangers and sometimes even doctors can unintentionally gaslight you.
Some examples of gaslighting can be:
“Why can’t you just come out tonight? You don’t look ill!”
“You’re always using this as an excuse to get out of going out!”
“You’re sick again?! You seem fine.”
“Are you sure it’s that bad? It might just be X/Y/Z”
This in turn can lead a person with an ID to question themselves, which heightens anxiety and stress levels, therefore usually leading to an increase in negative symptoms. For example, researchers found that stress was tied to a 36% greater risk in developing autoimmune diseases. Whilst feeling self-doubt and invalidation is by no means the only stress trigger in those with ID, it definitely does not help. Therefore this creates a vicious cycle of isolation, whereby people are ill, experience gaslighting, become stressed because they feel invalidated, and become more ill.
Exclusion
When loved ones start to gaslight sufferers of ID, however unintentionally it may be, it can lead to social exclusion. Often out of frustration or doubt, people can begin to stop inviting sufferers out – “she’ll just say no again”, or “he’ll say he’s too ill”. This kind of mentality blames the person with the disability, and is entirely irrational. Loved ones often become frustrated by the lack of contact with the ill person, and therefore unintentionally punish or “give up” on them socially.
People seem to lose patience and belief in IDs due to their chronic, long term nature. With invisible mental health conditions especially, it is paramount to have a good support network around you. Social isolation can lead to heightened anxiety and stress which in turn can aggravate a lot of invisible disabilities such as autoimmune conditions, diabetes and fibromyalgia to name but a few. Overall, exclusion once again plays into the vicious cycle of discrimination and anxiety felt in the invisible disability community, and this can only be broken through people having more empathy and awareness towards sufferers.
Self-fulfilling prophecies
This discrimination can also cause immense feelings of guilt and shame, leading people with IDs to suffer from self-fulfilling prophecies due to a lack of confidence. One common example of this would be in the workplace. There are laws put in place to make sure that people with disabilities get equal opportunities, however the issue is much more complex than that. If an employee with an ID feels guilty about their sick days (due to the Gaslight Effect put in place on a social level), this can impact their confidence in the workplace, and thus their performance too. The prediction that “I won’t get a promotion” becomes a reality due to a general sense of hopelessness or inferiority generated by the Gaslight Effect, leading often to a poorer work performance. Equal opportunities protects employees from not being penalised specifically for their disability, but the emotional and social impact of being disabled is often not taken into account, meaning abled bodied individuals continue to prosper, and those with invisible disabilities continue to be faced with a lack of support or stereotyped by peers.
What can you do to help loved ones with invisible disabilities?
Believe them. This is the key piece of advice that I would give anybody who has a friend or family member suffering from an ID. Even when someone has a formal diagnosis, it is common to doubt whether they are as ill as they say they are, when they look fine. ‘Tough love’ can be a form of invalidation.
Instead of doubting their pain and excluding them from further plans, consider adjusting the activities to accommodate their needs. Would it be better in a private environment? Is there somewhere away from crowds you could go instead? Is their access to a toilet? Is there good reception in case of emergencies? How about visiting the person with the invisible disability at home, or giving them a call?
If socialising simply isn’t possible for that person in any capacity on a certain day, that’s okay! Do not take it personally, doubt their honesty or exclude them from your social circle for being ‘flaky’.
This article attempts to address some of the key issues that people with IDs face in society, and how we can try and quell the Gaslight Effect on a personal level. If you enjoyed this piece, please check our Instagram page on 14th November, where there will be an in depth interview with a sufferer of an invisible illness- Type 1 Diabetes, for World Diabetes Day.