Exploring ‘Emotional Divorce’ in the Middle East

Leen Assiry / April 30 / Culture

Divorce in certain sections of the Middle East is not easy. Spousal separation can lead women to lose custody of their children and face stigmatization from peers. What happens to women trapped in these ‘failed marriages’? THP’s Leen Assiry and spoke with Fatima Syedain, a Riyadh-based therapist, to explore the phenomenon of ‘emotional divorce’, the cultural factors that exacerbate it, and the consequences it has on families.

“Emotional divorce is a label that people probably would not recognize themselves because people don't really come to a decision per se, to do it. Half the time you are naming things for people in therapy because when it happens it doesn't come with a label on its head. Only in hindsight, when people look back at things that [they think] ‘oh this is what happened to me' 

You can call it living parallel lives like ships in the night passing each other by, or parallel train tracks that don't meet at any point. You have separate lives [but] you try to be a united front when it comes to the world. It's a lot to do with how you're seen from the outside.

It happens gradually when there's too much conflict. Internally people are unhappy, and they don't have any way of talking about it.

People don't feel that the society or the culture around them is willing to take their unhappiness seriously. People sort of expect you to carry on for the greater good of the children or the family honor and keeping the peace as it were. 

There's a lot of shame to do with separation or divorce. It's seen as a failure, for both men and women, with women having more negative consequences. They don't really want to bring attention to themselves and be judged. A sense of duty is quite ingrained into women [here], even independent working women who've studied abroad or have successful careers and financial independence. They are still held back by this idea of [the] mother figure, so she also becomes a mother to her husband. There is a lot of conditioning and learnt behavior in wanting to be a perfect wife/mother figure. 

[Emotional Divorce] has a lot of negative consequences for [all] parties.

When people are unhappy in a relationship, they often overcompensate by becoming obsessive or controlling about certain things.  It can be the source of all kinds of mental health issues like anxiety, depression OCD, or eating disorders.

Kids can pick up disharmony very intuitively. A lot of times, children start blaming themselves if a parent is tired, upset, or angry. The child might assume that an [unhappy parent] isn't playing with them because they've done something wrong. The guilt is damaging for their mental and physical health. If children grow up with that much stress and cortisol in their bodies, it can lead to a lot of psychological issues.

Often kids become the kind of messengers [where] parents talk through the children or even use children to hurt the other party. I think that's when it becomes really toxic. That's the point at which parents need to think about [the next step]. Children’s interests have to be put before the parents’ interests.

Good relationships are not those without conflict, but the ones that are able to recover and repair after conflict. Getting help for the relationship is one of the best things that you can do for yourself and your future generations.”